Delicious Ambiguity

It's been a year.  A YEAR!  I used to follow blogs that would fall of the face of the earth and wonder how in the world that could happen.  I never thought I'd be one of those bloggers.  There are so many memories in life that I loved to blog about, to preserve here.  In November of last year, however, I found myself surrounded by life experiences that maybe shouldn't be shared. I struggled with what to say, how to say it, and when to say it.  Life was suffocating me and I had all I could handle just holding on for the ride.  I didn't feel the need to remember or share any of the struggles that I was going through.  As I look back on the last year, though, I realize how much our family grew!  I see how each experience was a stepping stone for the next and we are all better because of what we went through.  Maybe I should start from the beginning and go from there...

In November, after five years of struggle and looking for help in all the wrong places, Klaasen was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  This is something that we saw coming, but all at the same time, didn't.  It was a hard thing to swallow, to accept.  We lived in a state of denial for several weeks.  Then as the denial turned into acceptance, we lacked the desire to publicly share this diagnosis with anyone.  Our main concern was Klaasen.  How would he feel about being "different," about having a diagnosis?  I didn't know how to preserve this piece of our family's experience here on the blog.  I wasn't sure how to write about my days, which mostly consisted of restraining Klaasen as he screamed and fought through some of the hardest, most deepest battles that we couldn't possibly even begin to understand at that point.  Klaasen's diagnosis seemed dark and like it needed to be kept a secret.  There was hope that he'd grow out of it soon with the proper help and no one would ever need to know.

The months that followed included Maida's ruptured appendix and hospital stay.  Our family was broken and scared.  10 days in the hospital seemed like years.  Not knowing her diagnosis and watching her come so close to death was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.  I struggled with writing through the unknowns.  I had trouble understanding and accepting the medical decisions that were being made, but when these medical decisions were being made by my husband's co-workers, I didn't outwardly question and I especially didn't feel right blabbing my heart and feelings publicly on the blog for all to read!  Living through the night of her diagnosis, though, and watching the clock tick away as I knew hundreds were praying for her while she was in her scan, was one of the most powerful nights of my life.  It's funny how you start to get numb to God's presence when everything is honky-dory.  It isn't until you need him the most when you really start feeling him again, knowing that he's there, RIGHT there with you.

PICC line antibiotics, doctor appointments, transitioning back to school - everything fell into place.  Maida was the strongest little trooper and I will always be proud of her for making it through something I don't think I could have.  Skogen's ski season continued on without his sister and Torsten didn't mind getting shuffled from grandparents to friends and back again during Maida's hospital time and recovery.  Klaasen, on the other hand, seemed to spiral out of control.  In an attempt to help the situation, and set him up for kindergarten in the fall, we started him in a new preschool class.  It was a classroom mixed with special ed and typical children.  It seemed like this was going to be a good fit and we had hoped that it was finally our key to piecing together a great path for Klaasen to go down.  The first two weeks were a delightful honeymoon stage.  Klaasen jumped right into the class and seemed to really enjoy being in school again.  Soon, though, the phone calls started coming.  At first, just calls from the school to tell me of little incidents that were happening.  Then, calls requesting me to go up to the school and pick Klaasen up.  Day after day after day I was called.  Almost always, I would enter an over-turned classroom and find Klaasen curled up in the the corner of the room.  He was so disturbed that he didn't even seem to recognize me.  Blood vessels would be popped on his face and his body was stiff and rigid, ready to fight at any moment.  I could hear the other children cowering in a different classroom down the hall, scared and asking for Klaasen to leave.

One day at the beginning of April, I was called to his school once again.  As I carried him to the car, he was biting me, slapping me, and pulling my hair.  He was screaming loudly and viciously.  His weight and strength was too much for me to carry and I fell several times trying to make it to the car.  When I finally made it to the car, he wouldn't get in . I wanted to just sit down and love him, making all things better like moms are supposed to be able to do.  On the other hand, I wanted to set him down, spank him, and tell him how naughty these choices were. I remember choosing to forcefully throw him into the car, though, looking into his teary eyes, and asking him why he couldn't just be normal.  It was then that my heart broke into a million pieces.  I was losing control and I had just asked my son what I had prayed no one ever would.

I never sent him back to that school again and in early April, Klaasen started going to a therapy center run by the state of Minnesota.  They worked with kides ages 3-5 who needed help with feelings and emotions.  This was a great stepping stone for us into the world of autism.  They helped Klaasen get a grip on his body and what he was feeling.  They helped us understand autism and how it doesn't have to be this big bad monster that it had turned out to be for us lately.  We stopped hiding the diagnosis and we started celebrating it.  We began to understand what was going on with Klaaesen and what we needed to do as his parents, his advocates!  Klaasen continued with therapy through the summer, which was such a blessing.  It gave him some time away from the house and gave me a little break from being his 24/7 caregiver, which was really great since we were in the process of moving, too!  Klaasen started occupational therapy, also, along with one day a week of skills therapy at an autism center in Minneapolis.  All of these therapies were a fight to get into, causing many sleepless nights as I planned and prayed, but the battle was completely worth it.

As summer came and went, we grew a lot as a family.  Maida, Skogen, and I joined Erik on Tour de Togo and made the three day bike ride to church camp, raising over $30,000 in the process!  We spent some time with cousins up north at the lake for the Fourth of July and we really enjoyed living in our new townhouse in the middle of the city.   Lots of mountain biking, road biking, and pool time at the nearby sand bottom pool!  

In the fall, the kids all started at new schools. Maida, Skogen, and Torsten all started back into private schools after our rough year with public schools and we couldn't have been more thankful for that.  Klaasen's therapists helped us advocate for Klaasen as we got an IEP written up and got him into a school that appeared it would work well with his special needs.  Travelling soccer took up most of our weekends in the fall, but we also had time to enjoy some fall bike rides and planning for our Halloween costumes.  The kids dressed as smurfs this year and we had a warmer than normal evening of trick-or-treating, which meant they got way more candy than usual!  November came before we knew it and it was time for our planning trip to Zimbabwe.  Unfortunately, because of cost, Torsten and Klaasen had to stay home, but Maida and Skogen joined Erik and I on our journey.  It was such a blessing to see Maida and Skogen jump right into whatever we were doing for the day in Zimbabwe.  They opened right up to the people there and I learned a lot about love, acceptance, and compassion from my children.  

The holidays came and went with my family joining us in our home for Thanksgiving as we flew into the US from Africa on Thanksgiving Day!  Christmas was celebrated in Oklahoma with Erik's family.  Ski season came and went.  We enjoyed all of our travelling ski weekends (even though it was so much work!!) and the kids really improved on the snow this year.  Even Klaasen and Torsten got out to the mountain several times and we're excited about them possibly joining Maida and Skogen on the ski team next year!  

Now we have just under two months before we make the six month move to Zimbabwe, Africa.  It seems as though the planning for this longer trip is suffocating my daily life as I worry and fret about way too much, but I'm learning how to give God the control.  Klaasen has been able to drop a few of his therapies and start going to full day school!  Overall, he has more bad days than good, but we celebrate the successes as they come. We're very thankful that home life is going a little smoother.  He is scared of the long airplane ride across the ocean, but deep down I feel like he will really enjoy Africa with not as much stimulation and a slower-paced life. Maida has bloomed in her new school with lots of friends and a wonderful teacher!  She has become involved in anything and everything she can, including the cheer leading team, and she is really truly loving life to the fullest.  Her appendix was taken out over the summer, so now no more worrying about that!  Skogen jumped right into a classroom full of boys and has been welcomed nicely in his classroom, as well as in soccer and ski team.  Skogen really enjoyed his time in Zimbabwe and I'm looking forward to him being a leader for Klaasen and Torsten as we all go over in May.  Torsten started preschool this year and loves the independence school brings him.  He has been a great asset to his classroom in many ways, but most recently with his help with an autistic little boy.  I love Torsten's big heart!

Hopefully now that I've written a novel trying to briefly cover the last year, I can stay up-to-date more regularly.  I started this blog in 2007 as a way of including our far away family in our daily life, but have realized that writing about our life is much more than that.  It is a way of documenting precious history, preserving it in a journal-type fashion, something that our family can treasure always.