"Me not get up." Torsten yelled, sitting on the Target floor with his arms crossed angrily across his chest. Torsten is at the age where he wants everything in the store. And when I say no, he flops to the ground and refuses to get up. Luckily I've been through this stage three other times in life and so it hardly phases me anymore. However, peeling a toddler off the floor 50 times in one shopping trip makes for an exhausting day.
On Monday, we not only had to grocery shop, but we also had to pick up some medicine at the Target pharmacy. While standing in line at the pharmacy, Torsten decided that he was completely done with this shopping trip. He flopped to the ground, blocking anyone from getting to the pharmacy counter. I maneuvered my full cart into a place where it was out of the way and quickly peeled Torsten off the floor. I also gave him a little swat on the butt since that was the 51st time that day I peeled him off the floor. This swat started an enormous screaming fit, which wasn't so bad, actually, because it got us moved to the front of the line and our medicine expedited through the filling station. I don't think anyone wanted to sit and listen to this inconsolable screaming any longer, however, the pharmacist excused it saying, "We can see that this sick little guy needs his medicine as soon as possible." I didn't bother telling her that it was actually for his brother. On the way to the store checkout, Torsten spotted a humidifier that looked like an elephant and all tears were gone. Thankfully we approached the checkout happily and Torsten enjoyed helping me put the groceries up on the belt.
At this point, I was breathing deep sighs of relief. We had made it through the store without breaking anything and we only had to frantically run to the bathroom one time. I also actually had my Target card with me today and Torsten didn't take everything off the candy shelves and throw it in my cart while I was digging for it. I thought all was well in the world until I heard, "Mom PEE!!!"
Torsten was nervously doing the potty dance and grabbing himself uncontrollably. I looked at the remaining items on the belt and noticed that there were only a few left to be scanned. I told Torsten to hold it a few more minutes, but before I could grab his arm, he took off running toward the bathroom saying, "I see potty mom, I go pee!" and he disappeared into the ladies restroom.
I frantically swiped my card, signed my name, grabbed the cart, and started for the bathroom.
"Excuse me miss, could you wait for a minute? I accidentally pushed the 'cancel' button and I have to start over."
As I heard this, I paused for a minute, debating on what I was supposed to do. There was an enormous line behind me (ugh, shopping at 1:00 in the afternoon always ensures that only two checkout lanes are open). Before I had time to make a decision, I heard, "Me not get on the potty, Mom." and glanced over to see that Torsten had taken his clothes off in the bathroom and had streaked all the way through the front of the store to get to me. AHHH! With gasping women all around me, I quickly swooped him up and brought him back to the bathroom as fast as I could. I picked a stall, set him on the pot, and encouraged him to pee quickly. It was taking him a while, so I peeked my head out the door. The cashier saw me and yelled,"M'am, I need you to come sign again, please." With the glares from those behind me in line, I mentioned to Torsten that I'd be right back and that he could continue pushing it out. As I opened the door to exit, a Target worker was coming in. She was an Asian woman with a thick accent. I could hardly understand what she was saying to me, but it was something like, "Someone reported a problem here. Children can not run naked in our store."
DUH! Seriously, what in the world?! I smiled and said, "Thanks," because I had no idea what else to say and pushed passed her. I ran to the check out counter, signed my name, and then started running back to Torsten when the cashier exclaimed, "Oh NO! I accidentally pushed the cancel button again! You will need to stay and sign after I ring this up again." Was she joking?! I glanced back at the line of people who were still glaring in my direction. I just wanted to yell, "This is NOT my fault, you guys! I'm not the one holding up this line! In fact, just left my two-year-old pooping in the public bathroom alone so that you could all get on your merry way. This ding-dong cashier keeps pushing the wrong buttons!" But I would never actually say anything like that, besides, I didn't have time to open my mouth because my thoughts were interrupted with screaming and yelling from the bathroom.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM MOOOOOOOOMMYYYYYYYYY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM."
I quickly turned and started off toward the restroom, thinking my pooping child now sporting a toilet ring around his naked bottom was being kidnapped.
"M'am, sign one more time please."
Ohmygoodnes! I stopped, signed, and said, "I'm done signing. I'm done with this line. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me."
On the way into the bathroom, a lady was exiting, with a very horrible look on her face. With this look, she was armed and ready to staredown the horrible mother of that child freaking out in the bathroom. My eyes met hers and I said pleasantly, "He's alright, I promise."
She stopped. And stared at me. I pushed around her (she obviously is not a mom and/or has never had a mom-ent in Target) and finally got to Torsten. He was clinging to the handicap railing on the side of the bathroom stall, almost hanging in midair. The toilet was an automatic flushing toilet. Since he's not big enough for any kind of sensors on this pot, the toilet was randomly flushing and he was scared to death that he was going to get flushed down. I covered the sensors with my hand and Torsten finished up.
As we were walking out, I decided to reward myself with a coffee from the Startbucks, located right in Target, conveniently right beside the exit. Torsten, of course, loves coffee and was very excited about this little treat! I
got up to the counter as he ran over to our normal seat in front of the windows. He sat down in his favorite chair and excitedly smiled at me as I turned my head to order. I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I dilly-dallied a little more than five seconds and as I started to say, "Hi, I will take a tall white chocolate mocha, please," I heard, "HEY MOM, WATCH THIS!!!" and out of the corner of my eye I saw sparks flying as a *BANG* made everyone in the coffee shop scream. I was honestly, scared to look, but of course, that was my baby sitting over there and holy cow, WHAT HAPPENED?
Starbucks workers were to the rescue immediately. Torsten was still sitting in his favorite chair with that big smile still on his face, glancing in my direction. Like most moms I can read my child's thoughts by their eyes (not their smiles) and I knew he was now feeling frightened and embarrassed. I called him to me and we sat down at one of the little tables for two across the room. An emergency code was called over the intercom and Target workers came running to see the lighted Starbucks sign that had been hanging in front of the windows from the ceiling, now resting on the windowsill. I whispered to Torsten, "Did you touch that sign?" and he nodded yes. But I then overheard the guy who was sitting at the table next to Torsten tell the workers that he did not touch it. No one will ever know what really happened (or maybe I just don't want to know what really happened...).
We got our hot coffee and some cold stares from the mom-ent-less woman that I had previously exchanged words with when she was coming out of the bathroom. Unfortunately, a store emergency was called and they shut down the Starbucks, so she didn't get her drink. I felt only a little bad. Part of me thought it was kind of funny. Torsten and I took our time drinking our coffee. Or maybe I was just scared to get up and walk out of the store, in fear something else would happen! I told Torsten that it had been a hard day and a very rough Target trip. He was just all smiles, drinking coffee and eating goldfish. He had absolutely no idea what problems he had incidentally caused that day.
Several hours later, the older kids were home from school and we were frantically trying to get homework and chores done before Skogen's soccer game. I told the kids about my Target trip and also told them we needed to work really hard to make a good night because I had felt like my day had been cursed. The kids were all grabbing snacks and Klaasen asked to try a bite of some frosting that had been in the fridge since Christmas. I warned him that it'd probably give him a stomach ache, but that he could try one bite before I rinsed it down the sink. Apparently, as I was dealing with three other post-school starving children, Klaasen somehow slipped the moldy frosting out from under my hand and snuck off to eat it quietly in secret. Several minutes later, he returned with the frosting and admitted his wrongdoing. Immediately, though, he fell to the ground with horrible stomach pains. I told him that was what he got for eating moldy frosting. He rolled around on the cold hard kitchen floor, holding his stomach, for at least 20 minutes. I bent down to him again and explained to him that he needed to listen to mom when I told him not to do something and that he was learning a hard lesson. He then said, "Mom, this isn't from the frosting. It's because I tried one of Bumpa's disappearing tricks and it really worked! The penny is probably to my back by now."
I said, "Wait, do you mean you put the penny down your shirt?"
He looked at me funny and said, "Nope. I put it in here," and pointed in his mouth.
I immediately thought, okay, something was destined to happen tonight. We just couldn't get around it. What else could go wrong?!
After a call to Erik at work, we continued getting ready for soccer, determining that he'd be alright. Klaasen asked if I could stretch out a hanger and fish the penny out with the long part. I explained to him that Daddy said the only way to get it out was to poop it out. He made a disgusted face. Maida stepped in and explained, "Klaasen, you will birth that penny just like a mom births a baby." He seemed to be okay with that. We made it to soccer with no more problems and as we walked in, Klaasen announced loudly and proudly to everyone in the room, "I swallowed a penny and now I'm just waiting to poop it out! I can't wait to get my penny back!" Skogen added, "Yeah, he's going to birth it like a baby." And I made sure to add that we were not planning to actually retrieve it, however, several parents flashed fake smiles in our direction and I knew exactly what they were thinking.... probably the same thing everyone else had been thinking about us all day...
