Over the last week, I almost totally stopped praying.
I started assuming that if God already knew what was going to happen in my life, my prayer wouldn’t actually make a difference in the outcome. And even if my prayer changed his mind about something, He knows the present, past, and future, so he already knew what was going to happen anyway, so did I really have to pray in order for it to turn out that way?
These assumptions led me to doubting the existence of God. I have never doubted God before.
My doubts finally led me to open up and talk to Erik about my feelings before going to sleep last night. I told him about my doubts about prayer and his response was, “I just don’t know what to tell you because I’m confused too. Why don’t you put something on the blog about it and see what kind of response you get.” I told him that I wasn’t going to involve the blog in this because I was afraid of what people would think of me if they knew that I doubted God. I also didn’t want my nieces reading about me doubting God, or any other little person that looks up to me, because I didn’t want my doubts and imperfections to negatively influence their growing faith. I went to bed last night feeling very empty and lost.
While lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I prayed a prayer I’d never prayed before. I challenged God. I told Him that if He was real and if prayer was real, then he had to show me, to prove himself to me. I felt like I was walking on dangerous ground, but over the last 25 years God has proven Himself over and over to me, and I knew that if this is what it would take from God to help me spiritually, He would do it, I just had no idea when or how He would.
Not much about God had crossed my mind today. I prayed when I took Skogen in for his shots, but my prayer was very short and sweet, and I didn’t think too much about it. When I sat down in bed tonight, I decided to get on my computer quick and catch up on some blog reading. The first blog I checked was McMama’s blog because her son, Stellan, is sick and in very critical care. Her latest post was this morning at 8:38. As I began reading it, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I was immediately aware that this wasn’t McMama’s words she had written, this was GOD’S and he was speaking to ME!
“God answers prayers. Just not always in the way or in the time frame we want. God answers prayers, but the outcome we hope for, and beseech God for, is not always the outcome God has in mind.God hears our prayers. But God still does what He, in His sovereignty, is going to do. He listens to our prayers, hears us each and every time we speak to Him, think to Him, or even groan to Him. God is affected by our prayers and He wants us to pray. But God is still God and our prayers do not change God or His mind, at least not in the way we sometimes think. He knew we were going to pray before we ever prayed. He knows the past, present and future all at once. He listens to our prayers, but our prayers don't change things. God changes things. Yet nothing changes for God, per se. If God changes His mind, because of our fervent prayers (Which He very well, might, so please keep praying!!), it will be something that God already knew would happen. He knew we'd pray…It is our job to communicate with God, to love Him, and, ultimately, to trust that whatever He decides is best.”
After reading McMama’s blog, I then hopped over to Angie’s blog, who had talked with McMama earlier today, and she also had a similar post, which spoke directly to me again.
“Prayer matters. We are entitled to go to God with our requests, and there are incidences in scripture where people (Moses comes to mind first) "negotiate" with God, and when you read it, it looks like Moses changed God's mind. I don't know that that was actually the case, but I think that God knew Moses would ask him and He knew his heart. Was He surprised that Moses came? No. He wanted him to reach out to his Father the same way I want my children to reach out to me.”
What were the chances that both of them would write on this topic today and specifically address MY doubts? GOD PROVED HIMSELF TO ME ONCE AGAIN. God knew exactly how to speak to me and when. I am so thankful and so in awe of His power.
I want to end by saying that God did not answer my questions or take away all of my doubts, but God showed me that prayer is not only for asking of what we want (even if we can or can't change the outcome), but it's about walking with God, having a relationship with God, and being full of the Godly peace that only comes from being in Him. God showed me that I was doubting something that no human can possibly understand and that I am not alone.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20, 21
With tears, I appreciate your courage! Satan is the creator of doubt and also feeds us the lies that we should be perfect and doubtless which then works to increase our doubt. I am thankful for your courage to share--and encouraged that I am not alone in my doubtful moments! Yeah for a God who can shout through the doubt that he is faithful and true and moves mountains!
ReplyDeleteApril, thanks for the comment. (When no one was commenting on this post, I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't have posted it!) That is so true, what you said about Satan. He's so sly and I believe that he knew my weak point: doubt, and attacked me there. I'm so glad that we have a God that is bigger and better than Satan!
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