One Unsettled Night

Last night as I laid in my bed listening to my little boy scream his heart out in the next room, I chuckled a little bit remembering that I just wrote a blog post about being "settled."  Not only did I let my little baby attempt to "cry it out" for the first time last night, but I also ran out of milk for his afternoon feeding, which all contributed to one very unsettled night.

First of all, let me just say that I hardly ever let my babies cry.  My mom always tells me that, "babies need to cry to exercise their lungs," but I've never agreed.  (If you've ever heard Skogen's happy screaming that he loves to do, I think you'd agree with me that his lungs get plenty of exercise!)  I'm a pretty laid back parent, but I'm also a little OCD about things sometimes.  I have a Babywise parenting style with a twist of attachment parenting.  For example, I like to know, and be in control of, what my baby is doing, eating, drinking, how long he's sleeping, what he's wearing, etc (which is where the scheduling comes in nicely), and I like to be the one that meets his needs (which is where the attachment parenting comes in).  Needless to say, I don't do good with babysitters.  I don't even do well with sharing parenting responsibilities with Erik!  (This is something that I'm working on - the first step is admitting it, right?!)  However, through this parenting style of mine, I make sure that my babies' needs are met, plus some, and therefore my babies* never cry.
*I just want to explain that I'm talking about "my babies", as my little babies.  I'm not talking about Maida at two-years old.

Last night, though, I could not get Skogen to fall asleep.  I tried rocking him, laying him down in his crib, rocking him, walking with him, rocking him, letting him lay in my bed with me, rocking him... nothing was working.  This was party because he fell asleep for the half hour-long drive home from Bible study, and partly because he's been a little difficult lately.  If he doesn't want to do something he doesn't think that he's going to do it... things like sitting in his highchair, getting into his car seat, and GOING TO SLEEP!  So last night I decided that it was time to transition out of my, "this is my sweet little baby, let's baby him," stage to, "toughen up and face the consequences, buddy."  So, eventually I let him try to cry it out in his crib... and cry... and cry... he cried for 45 minutes straight and finally when he was coughing so hard, from crying so hard, that he threw up, I went in there.

I picked up my sweating wet, tear drenched, throw up covered, shaking, crying baby and wondered how in the world parents ever do sleep training this way.  Even when my baby is being defiant and stubborn, and a little unsettled, I don't know that I could ever do this again (however, I have had a lot of close friends who have done this method and had it work - they are stronger than me!).  I did get Skogen to sleep shortly after cleaning him up and he went to sleep on my chest in the rocking chair, settled right where he belonged.  I however, could not go to sleep.  I laid there thinking that I had just committed some sort of child abuse or something!  I was unsettled.  I woke up this morning feeling icky about it, too, but as it works most days, I began the day reading some blogs.  Lindsey wrote today, "I am realizing how the past three and a half years have flown by and how every day of those years, I have questioned my abilities to do what I am doing. I have come to the realization that if I have faith in myself the same way that God has faith in me to be the mother of my two daughters, I will probably do just fine."

She is sooooo right and she was just the encouragement that I needed this morning!  We parents are all doing what we think is best and even though we might doubt our abilities [or doubt my decision to let my poor baby cry and cry and cry all alone in his bed last night], or mess up sometimes, God has faith and confidence in us, and we should have the same in ourselves.  So today as I snuggle my little boy close and kiss his forehead frequently while I whisper, "I'm so sorry, baby," I'm not going to get down about this.  One unsettled night doesn't mean that our whole world is upside down (or that I'm guilty of child abuse!).  This was just one small step on my journey through motherhood.