Delicious Ambiguity

It is 4:41 in the morning and I could put her in bed, but this could be the last night that I sit here cuddling my first baby through the night without any other distractions or children to attend to.

Maida has never required a lot of holding at night. Even when she was a baby, she would have rather slept in her own bed than in some one's arms at night. However, there were those rare instances when she would wake up, cry, and need some cuddling. Since Erik has always either been working or in school (or impossible to get up!) I have always been the one to wake up with Maida at night.

I remember holding her while she slept as an infant, she fit perfectly on my lap when I crossed my legs pretzel-style and I was still able to do my computer work, read a book, or give another go at knitting, all while she slept peacefully on my legs. I remember glancing down at her periodically, thinking she was so beautiful, and while feeling her belly rise and fall with each of her breaths, or listening to her little baby snore (which I loved!), I did not realize how fast she would grow up. Tonight was one of those rare nights (that Maida still has sometimes), and she woke up at 4:00. Now, though, instead of her crying until I come to her bedside to pick her up, she gets out of her bed herself, walks out to mine, and says, "Mama?!" Oh where or where did my little baby go?!

So as I write this, Maida is snuggled up on my lap, just like old times. She doesn't fit so perfectly on my legs anymore, even though they are crossed the same way (which means I'm typing this whole thing with one hand!), but she fits so perfectly in my heart. And as I gaze down at her, I still see her beauty and thank God for giving her to me. I never knew that I could love anyone this much. She truly is my little princess.

Mommy and Maida taking a nap - 1 month old

On a much different note, I have an ultrasound today at 11:30. I am a bit nervous as this ultrasound could be the turning point in my pregnancy, a diversion to the dream-filled plan I have had over the past nine months. I have spent the last couple days preparing myself emotionally for a c-section, if that is what this comes to, and [I think] I'm ready to hear the news. I have made the personal decision (with the support of Erik) that if Skogen measures 7 pounds 13 ounces or less today at the ultrasound, I will go for the VBAC, as long as it is before my due date. If Skogen weighs 7 pounds 14 ounces or more, I will choose (knowing that I gave my best effort) to have a c-section. These are the "guidelines" that I have come up with for myself through reading the research on VBACs, talking with my doctors, and taking my own thoughts and wants into consideration. I realize that these guidelines may be a bit risky, but what's the worst that could happen if I try a VBAC? I end up with another c-section, which I would have ended up with anyway, right?!! Honestly, I know that God knows the desires of my heart and has this whole thing planned out already. I'm confident that He has heard my prayers for a healthy birth and baby, which is the most important thing, and I will be happy with however He decides to bring 0ur son into this world.

Think of me at 11:30 today! I'm sure I'll be chanting "7/13! 7/13! 7/13!" all the way to the ultrasound. We'll keep you posted...